Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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