he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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