Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize