I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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