you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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