Well now I have my semen on her headphones
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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