i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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