In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
