thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
