Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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