He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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