i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
