Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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