i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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