I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
