I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize
