Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
