Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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