Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
