Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
