I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
