Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
