I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I'm having to shit out rocks
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