So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
