what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
