smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Randomize