All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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