I'm so fucking centered right now
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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