..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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