Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
There are leaves in my underwear?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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