I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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