Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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