Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
