someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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