dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
