im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize