So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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