Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
