I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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