3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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