dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
