just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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