I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
