worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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