You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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