You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize