Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
