Your dad touched me again.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
