i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
