I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
