I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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