have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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