i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
