I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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