I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
