Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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