the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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