You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
