Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
