Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
