he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
