Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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