dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
